one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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