either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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