who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
