What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
