The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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