is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
