how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
