Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
