Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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