I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
