Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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