I cannot find my penis.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
