I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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