we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize