I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
