True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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