I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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