Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
