Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
