pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My pussy is not your playground.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
