people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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