Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
