so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize