so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
