just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
