Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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