yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The air was thick with penises
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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