What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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