I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
