college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
