God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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