I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
