Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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