Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
