I hate your face
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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