As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
