Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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