I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
