im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize