A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
