all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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