I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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