Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
