Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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