OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
apparently the secret to your success is patron
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
