My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
