It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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