Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize