My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
