I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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