She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
