I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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