Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
