I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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