if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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