How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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