My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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