I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
