if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She said her name was "party"
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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