This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
