I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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