I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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