If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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